Some losses end up living inside objects. Seventeen seconds become a presence, and keeping an old phone alive becomes almost a way of keeping someone here. That ending is devastating precisely because the mind knows it isn’t true, while the heart understands perfectly why it is.
This was heart gripping....maybe because it triggered something in me that I experience quite a lot especially when my estranged daughter leaves me a voice audio. Nonetheless, you took me right through every single second of it. As I said, "heart gripping".
That means so much to me. I tend to keep voicemails from my husband and children, just so I can hear their voices when I need them. It’s a strange feeling to hold on to something most people would simply erase. But when I’m lonely, hearing their voices makes them feel a little closer.
Seventeen seconds, and you've put a narrow hallway behind the keys and a whole driveway behind the engine. I hadn't thought of listening as building before.
Virginia, this is distressing. I think my heart’s beating harder than it was before. The piece has, of course, left me dying to know more, out of concern for you.
Thank you for reading. I tend to keep some voicemails from my husband and children so I can listen to them when I really miss them. This poem was inspired by those moments when I wonder if I should listen to their voicemails again. It’s a silly little thing I sometimes do to make everything feel normal for a moment.
I daren't leave anything like that to keep tearing at me. I have to tear off the band aid and cauterize the wound at the same time.
Counter: But then, why do I continue with social media when I know I'll never meet the few great people (in oceans of assholes) I see?
It's easier to do this than go be social in person. It's far easier than people might think.
Here's where I bring up my nervous system for the 15076428th time and how I am routinely scared in advance of anything new that is out of doors. I have a show Friday and today I'm so triggered by life that I'm back in bed
Yes. It's not me playing the show, but would be only the second show I've attended this year--I've attended like 30 shows in my lifetime, but all but the other one this year came during a time before I 1) really discovered myself and 2) had nervous system breakdowns with catatonia features (with hospitalizations--and hospital abuse-- beginning December 2023 and ending late February 2024) that I'm still not fully recovered from.
Prior to the hospitalizations, I was 2 weeks sober (I'm 1002 days' sober now) and had been drinking or recovering from hangovers for the previous 15 years, and I lost all my local friends. During that 15 years because less and less practiced in in-person socialization.
Now that I want to be social, I actually have to pay a lot of attention to my nervous system. This isn't a simple matter of feeling the fear and doing it; it used to be that way before the hospitalizations, and before my country became the most blatantly destructive it's ever been and has thugs killing people on the street.
The show is in a very not-great part of town, and is on a Friday night (a day of the week I've come to associate with drunk driving and other chicanery). When I went to my previous show in April, the show was during the week and in a safer part of town with easier parking. The show coming up Friday is in an area where I don't feel safe due to the volume of foot and vehicle traffic and the behavior of some of the people (I went there before during the day like a month ago to check out the area and saw things that scared me, like the fentanyl fold and people yelling at other people indiscriminately and stuff that screamed MY COUNTRY IS NOT SAFE AND IT CAUSES THIS).
I'd be going by myself, as I still have no local friends.
After the April show, my nervous system had to recover for at least a day afterward because I was pushing it to do something I wanted it to do. The recovery from the upcoming show is very likely to be a lot more because of the area of town and the day of the week I already mentioned...plus the fact that I want to ask the establishment if it's ok for me to leave a stack or two of my small Bandcamp flyers (they're about 2x3 inches) inside. So that's an extra stressor.
I just woke up after being in bed sleeping off an overload of complex PTSD stuff that is another conversation entirely.
Sigh. My stuff takes a lot to explain, and I haven't really even begun to, but the process I go through is usually very simple: the recovery from a growth event is directly proportional to how my nervous system assesses the event; and there are times when I'm overloaded without warning. It's a fight/flight prefrontal cortex damage thing.
Sigh again. I'm sighing because I basically wrote an essay here and I expect people to tune out. I write (and say, to my walls and my pillow and to my car) a lot because I was never allowed to have emotions or to express anything safely as a kid.
If you're interested, I have most of my music (with all the lyrics; I've been posting at times lyrics to my 2026 stuff here on Substack) on Traumor.bandcamp.com. Traumor is the moniker I came up with about 25 years ago.
It’s rare for me to be at a loss for words, but I’ve spent exactly seventeen seconds trying to figure out what to say to you.You are brilliant.
Seventeen seconds sound about right. Hugs 🤗
I still have a few I listen to.
Most of us do 🖤
Excellent writing. Left me wanting more. But… I feel the tension, the need, the unwillingness to let go…
🌸
Thank you so much for reading 🖤🖤🖤
Some losses end up living inside objects. Seventeen seconds become a presence, and keeping an old phone alive becomes almost a way of keeping someone here. That ending is devastating precisely because the mind knows it isn’t true, while the heart understands perfectly why it is.
Yes, that’s it. Thank you for reading 📖
This was heart gripping....maybe because it triggered something in me that I experience quite a lot especially when my estranged daughter leaves me a voice audio. Nonetheless, you took me right through every single second of it. As I said, "heart gripping".
Thank you so much for reading and feeling 🖤
Love this…the pace and flow…the dance around the story…leaving so much room for imagination. Well done (as always).!
Thank you always 🥹🙏
Virginia. Damn.
You just turned a phone app into a prayer…grief…palpable! God women. This one captured me.
That means so much to me. I tend to keep voicemails from my husband and children, just so I can hear their voices when I need them. It’s a strange feeling to hold on to something most people would simply erase. But when I’m lonely, hearing their voices makes them feel a little closer.
I have voicemails from people who are dead now.
I bet those are very special memories 🖤
Beautiful writing. I had to read this a few times, then catch my breath 💜🧡
Thank you so much for feeling and reading 📖
A longer one! And still with your usual impact. Wonderful.
Thank you 🙏
🩵
🖤🖤🖤
Seventeen seconds, and you've put a narrow hallway behind the keys and a whole driveway behind the engine. I hadn't thought of listening as building before.
Thank you so much ☺️
Virginia, this is distressing. I think my heart’s beating harder than it was before. The piece has, of course, left me dying to know more, out of concern for you.
This is really good writing.
Thank you for reading. I tend to keep some voicemails from my husband and children so I can listen to them when I really miss them. This poem was inspired by those moments when I wonder if I should listen to their voicemails again. It’s a silly little thing I sometimes do to make everything feel normal for a moment.
Persistent. 🖤
Thank you 🙏
I daren't leave anything like that to keep tearing at me. I have to tear off the band aid and cauterize the wound at the same time.
Counter: But then, why do I continue with social media when I know I'll never meet the few great people (in oceans of assholes) I see?
It's easier to do this than go be social in person. It's far easier than people might think.
Here's where I bring up my nervous system for the 15076428th time and how I am routinely scared in advance of anything new that is out of doors. I have a show Friday and today I'm so triggered by life that I'm back in bed
I can relate. What kind of show is it? Are you a musician?
Yes. It's not me playing the show, but would be only the second show I've attended this year--I've attended like 30 shows in my lifetime, but all but the other one this year came during a time before I 1) really discovered myself and 2) had nervous system breakdowns with catatonia features (with hospitalizations--and hospital abuse-- beginning December 2023 and ending late February 2024) that I'm still not fully recovered from.
Prior to the hospitalizations, I was 2 weeks sober (I'm 1002 days' sober now) and had been drinking or recovering from hangovers for the previous 15 years, and I lost all my local friends. During that 15 years because less and less practiced in in-person socialization.
Now that I want to be social, I actually have to pay a lot of attention to my nervous system. This isn't a simple matter of feeling the fear and doing it; it used to be that way before the hospitalizations, and before my country became the most blatantly destructive it's ever been and has thugs killing people on the street.
The show is in a very not-great part of town, and is on a Friday night (a day of the week I've come to associate with drunk driving and other chicanery). When I went to my previous show in April, the show was during the week and in a safer part of town with easier parking. The show coming up Friday is in an area where I don't feel safe due to the volume of foot and vehicle traffic and the behavior of some of the people (I went there before during the day like a month ago to check out the area and saw things that scared me, like the fentanyl fold and people yelling at other people indiscriminately and stuff that screamed MY COUNTRY IS NOT SAFE AND IT CAUSES THIS).
I'd be going by myself, as I still have no local friends.
After the April show, my nervous system had to recover for at least a day afterward because I was pushing it to do something I wanted it to do. The recovery from the upcoming show is very likely to be a lot more because of the area of town and the day of the week I already mentioned...plus the fact that I want to ask the establishment if it's ok for me to leave a stack or two of my small Bandcamp flyers (they're about 2x3 inches) inside. So that's an extra stressor.
I just woke up after being in bed sleeping off an overload of complex PTSD stuff that is another conversation entirely.
Sigh. My stuff takes a lot to explain, and I haven't really even begun to, but the process I go through is usually very simple: the recovery from a growth event is directly proportional to how my nervous system assesses the event; and there are times when I'm overloaded without warning. It's a fight/flight prefrontal cortex damage thing.
Sigh again. I'm sighing because I basically wrote an essay here and I expect people to tune out. I write (and say, to my walls and my pillow and to my car) a lot because I was never allowed to have emotions or to express anything safely as a kid.
If you're interested, I have most of my music (with all the lyrics; I've been posting at times lyrics to my 2026 stuff here on Substack) on Traumor.bandcamp.com. Traumor is the moniker I came up with about 25 years ago.
*TED talk and all that*
Thank you for sharing 🖤🙏
This is incredible! So well done, capturing this particular pain and struggle.
Thank you so much for reading and feeling 🖤
Awareness, logic and luck of it measured in seconds. Heart cuffed. Adore this piece x
Thank you so much for reading 📖